Month: September 2010

My Dad's Will

Published by Osemhen

I found this while searching for my birth certificate. My Dad can be pretty wry at times, but this just cracked us up. He wrote this in university, way before he met my Mum. Her name’s not Marianne, by the way. Or Elizabeth! To my wife, Marianne, I leave her lover and knowledge that I wasn’t the fool she thought I was. To my son, I leave the pleasure of earning a living. For twenty-five years, he thought the pleasure was solely mine. He was mistaken. To my daughter, I leave N100,000. She will need it. The only piece of business her husband did was to marry her. To my chauffeur, I leave my cars. He almost ruined them… and I want him to have the satisfaction of finishing the job. …And upon the death of my wife, Marianne, the executors of my will should in no way bury her in her rightful place in the family vault next to me. I want to rest in peace. To one Elizabeth Parker, whom through juvenile fondness …

How To Blow Your Budget Without Even Trying…

Published by Osemhen

Every now and then, a twinge of conscience, an account in red or a well-meaning (or not!) adviser – friend, relative, busybody article, banker – will prompt you to do something meaningful about your budget, or rather, your inability to stick to a budget. Don’t do it! A budget is a dumb idea, it always makes you feel bad. And me? Me, I’m on your side! Blowing budgets is art; a form of self-expression… (and I am Picasso, TRUST ME!) You ready to take this leap of faith into previously unplumbed depths of poverty? Let’s do this! At the beginning of the year, in true I’m-serious-about-this fashion, make a resolution not to blow your budget. This is the easiest part, and made easier by the fact that the holiday season has depleted all monies and driven you seriously into debt. Plus, it’s the beginning of the year! Time for new beginnings and all. So by all means, go ahead and resolve to budget. It makes blowing it that much more bitter-sweet! Then, using one of …

The Question

Published by Osemhen

(I wrote this at the writing workshop I attended recently. It was inspired by the most intelligent company ever, their intellectual discourse *straight face* and a bus ride :D) They sickened you. You couldn’t explain your visceral recoil at the sight of the IBB posters; your mood soured, your emotions plummeted and you lost your train of thought to a brief desire to kill. It didn’t help that the campaign posters were everywhere. The aftertaste lingered curiously. Why are you angry? – I don’t know. You were not particularly politics-inclined. You had not been old enough to appreciate the evil the Genius had perpetrated. You weren’t zealously patriotic; the country could bloody burn and you would fiddle! Why did you care so much you lost your peace? And why was the fact that it made you lose your peace so upsetting? The Question haunted you as you circled the city on a bus. It fixed itself in your mind as you ate the sugarcane you filched from a farm. It cooed as you conversed with …

My All Time Favourite Beauty Tips

Published by Osemhen

Drink lots and lots and lots of water. Water is, usually, free. And it does this whole detoxifying and rehydrating thing that just makes your skin glow from inside out, something all those $437 creams can’t. Black eyeliner and clear lip-gloss are so in! Don’t ask me how or why but I think they give you a timeless exotic-ness. So go easy on the rest of the makeup, keep it simple. Exfoliate your face once or twice a week. Any good scrub will do, just make sure you read the label to confirm you don’t react to any of the ingredients (I react to alcohol, for instance). If you aren’t sure, why not go natural? Mix a little oatmeal (a tablespoon) with hot water to form a paste, add a dollop of honey, spread on your face and massage in for about a minute. Voila! Clear skin. Lose the expensive facial washes. Mild soap works best for your face. I recommend baby soap, or Dove or Ose Dudu (black, native soap). Avoid using your body …