Author: Osemhen

How To Survive a Lumpectomy (32 Easy Steps)

Published by Osemhen

Don’t flinch when the doctor asks to examine you. Act like it’s the most natural thing in the world, like you regularly take off your top and bra for anyone who asks you. When he recommends a lumpectomy, shrug and say ‘Cool’. Because you are. Cool. You’re not a sissy, you do not shy away from pain or discomfort. Do not read Chioma’s article on the same subject. It will frighten you. Listen politely to your aunt who advocates that you pray away the lump instead of surgery. Pick a local anaesthesia over a general. Sometimes, people don’t wake up from the latter. Ask the doctor if you can take your iPod with you into the theatre, seeing as you’ll be awake. You might get bored. When he says yes, go home and prepare a surgery playlist. Tell your best friend you’re having a lumpectomy. Prepare to explain to her ignorant ass what a lumpectomy is. Tell other friends. Prepare  to answer questions like, “You let a doctor feel you up? Did you like it? …

“Your system is a joke” « Nigerian Newcomer

Published by Osemhen

Hi, guys 🙂 Sorry, I’ve been away for so long. I’ve got a new job that I had to relocate for and I’m still getting my bearings. In the mean time (because getting guest bloggers is something I haven’t quite gotten around to), I’ll be re-blogging posts I find interesting on other people’s  blogs. Please forgive my laziness, I promise to be back soon! :* I present to you something by Tolu Talabi a.k.a @naijarookie. I met him at the Farafina Workshop earlier this year, and he rants well. I know you’ll like him 😀 “Your system is a joke” « Nigerian Newcomer.

A Rather Lengthy Post on The Anthem

Published by Osemhen

Hola! Been a bit, how’ve you been? Okay, so I wrote this a couple of years ago for a magazine. I was a bit more idealistic, so forgive me if I come off a bit strong. 🙂 Arise O Compatriots Nigeria’s Call Obey To serve our fatherland With love and strength and faith The labour of our Heroes past Shall never be in vain To serve with heart and might One nation bound in freedom, peace and unity Humour me. If you’re under 25, try singing the 1st stanza of the national anthem without peeping at the page. Chances are, if you’re not in the uniformed forces (Police, Army etc.) or a school teacher, you won’t remember all the words. If you do, congratulate yourself. You are among the minority of Nigerian adults who remember the words that were drilled into them all those years ago in secondary school. A lot of theories have been propounded about why Nigeria is in the state she’s in. And here’s another for the debate. A popular adage says …

23 Things.

Published by Osemhen

YAY! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!! And it’s also Chimamanda’s, so I’m putting up a picture I took with her. I’d like to share 23 lessons I’ve learned over the years. Yes, yes. This is me feeling like a world-wise philosopher. And maybe none of this means a thing, maybe I’ve just been lucky and these… lessons, picked from the books I’ve read, movies I’ve seen, music I’ve heard and conversations I’ve had, are incidental. Whatever. *It’s my birthday and I’ll spout if I want to* Put God first. It’s hard to go wrong when you’re in sync with Him. The importance of a relationship with God deserves a blog post all by itself, I can’t do it justice in a few lines. Suffice it to say that when I put God first, my life becomes absurdly simple. When I do things my way, it ends up complicated and difficult. Drink milk. How else will you fulfil your RDA of potassium, vitamin D, calcium etc.? Be content. Be happy. When I was much younger, I used to …

On The Farafina Workshop

Published by Osemhen

The first thing I miss is waking  up to memories of last night’s Smirnoffs. Waking up to the thought of breakfast with my literary kindred:  litres of orange juice and mounds of French toast disappearing as we lament the fact that we have been irresponsible and not typed one sentence decent enough to be read in class, much less critiqued. Liars! I miss sitting in the Coaster bus, gossiping about our tutors as we wait for Buchi (perennial latecomer that she is) to prance downstairs so we can go for class. I miss  posing for pictures. I miss how the room brightened when Chimamanda walked in bearing apples and Ferrero Rochers (because we were such great students 😀 ) I miss the laughter during lunch at the Lagos Resource Centre where we held our sessions from 10 am to 5 pm (sometimes 7). The workshop was many things. New friends. Self discovery. Surprises. I would find out that Chimamanda did not read the entry I sent in; someone sent her the link to one of …

A Really, Really, Really Brief Writing Workshop

Published by Osemhen

In a few weeks’ time, two writing workshops will begin. The first is organized by the Farafina Trust and hosted by Chimamanda Adichie. The second is organized by Fidelity Bank and hosted by Helon Habila. Understandably, not a few wannabe authors are anxious about being selected. The hosts are big names in the industry and for many people, yours truly included, the opportunity to interact with them is one to die for. Almost. The truth is that not everyone will get in. Sucks big time. Word on the street is that Farafina Trust received about four hundred applications. Only twenty people will get picked. Daunting odds. My stomach goes all funny at the thought of it. And so, to take my mind off it, I am reviewing everything I’ve learned about creative writing. If I don’t get in for either of the workshops (sigh), I’ll re-read John Gardner’s Art of Fiction and hope I get in next year. 🙂 So here goes. My mini creative writing workshop.  I won’t say I’ve been faithful to them …