Author: Osemhen

My Definition of Success

Published by Osemhen

I’ve started, and discarded many posts over the last week. Laziness, ennui, hormones, sleeplessness, blasted writers’ block (thank God for whoever coined this term) took over and had me all sorts of cranky. This week, however, sanity prevails. Maybe it’s the prospect of Lent (starts tomorrow for Catholics). Maybe it’s the realization that the end of March marks the end of the first quarter of 2011 and my resolutions are on a downward slope. Need to tighten that belt, let’s go. One of the things I wanted to blog about was the definition of success. I’ve always balked at the automatic association some people make between success and wealth: to be successful is to be rich and if you’re not rich, or if you’re poor, then you’re unsuccessful. I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly doesn’t ring true about this definition. Maybe it’s the fact that it makes success too mercenary. I mean, if I’m a thieving senator, am I successful? (Don’t tell me I’m a successful thief!) If I inherit a billion …

Clearing Out My Head…

Published by Osemhen

I’ve started, and discarded many posts over the last week. Laziness, ennui, hormones, sleeplessness, blasted writers’ block (thank God for whoever coined this term) took over and had me all sorts of cranky. This week, however, sanity prevails. Maybe it’s the prospect of Lent (starts tomorrow for Catholics). Maybe it’s the realization that the end of March marks the end of the first quarter of 2011 and my resolutions are on a downward slope. Need to tighten that belt, let’s go. One of the things I wanted to blog about was the definition of success. I’ve always balked at the automatic association some people make between success and wealth: to be successful is to be rich and if you’re not rich, or if you’re poor, then you’re unsuccessful. I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly doesn’t ring true about this definition. Maybe it’s the fact that it makes success too mercenary. I mean, if I’m a thieving senator, am I successful? (Don’t tell me I’m a successful thief!) If I inherit a billion …

Hashim's Story

Published by Osemhen

She was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. Hashim approached the counter holding a loaf of bread and a can of insecticide. Yesterday, it had been a bottle of bleach and a six-pack of Imperial Leather. The day before that, a year’s supply of candles and two tins of Kiwi polish. Tomorrow? Detergent, cereal…and maybe, maybe he’d work up the courage to ask her out. ‘Nicole’ her name tag said. She looked … like a Nicole. Artful make-up, perfect manicure, caramel complexion, thin braids that cascaded down her back. When his turn came, she flashed him a quick grin. “Hello.” He decided he liked the lilt in her voice. “Hi.” Say something more, you doofus! – Like what! – Like… say something! “It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?” Seriously? Are you kidding?!! That the best you could do? “Yes, it is.” She scanned the insecticide, arched a perfect eyebrow. “You were here yesterday, right?” “Uh.” Great! Now degenerated to muttering grunts. Perfect, Hashim! “Yes… Nice shirt.” Dude! –  It’s a blue shirt! I like blue! “Thank you.” She …

A Note on Christmas…

Published by Osemhen

I’m unbelievably self-absorbed. Not content to simply ‘feel’ emotions, I poke and analyse my feelings in a quest for further meaning, implications, deductions and failing all that, at least a rational explanation. It is not enough for me, to say, “I loathe XYZ.” I have to ask myself, “Why? What exactly do I loathe in XYZ? What could change in XYZ that would make me loathe him/her/it less? More? What does it say about me that I loathe XYZ? Why do I care sef?” etc. etc. That said, you can understand why it is not enough for me to merely ‘feel’ exasperation at Christmas. Not at the event itself, o. Good Lord, no! I love the Christmas Story, adore the carols. What I can’t stand is the urge/need/push to bend over backwards and do financial gymnastics just to celebrate Christmas. Caveat, I make no attempt to dictate how people should/should not spend their money. But, I need to reply a few people who have tried to impose on me certain ‘obligations.’ For instance, why does …

Book Review: The Secret Lives of Baba's Segi's Wives By Lola Shoneyin.

Published by Osemhen

The first time I heard of Lola Shoneyin, it was in an interview she gave where she stated that she wrote because it beat ironing! I wish I could make a similar choice… ‘No, Daddy. I can’t iron your shirts, I want to write.’ Haha! Lola’s first novel, The Secret Lives of Baba Segi’s Wives, chronicles the history and happenings of a polygamous household. I started the book expecting a Fuji House of Commotion kind of scenario; lots of humor, petty jealousy, and cat fights between rivalling wives. Well, check on all counts. Except that the humor arises from the author’s amusement at her characters, the jealousy is more virulent than petty, and there are no cat fights, no physical combat. Just deliberately hurtful (very hurtful) words. Ok, I thought, a serious book. Lola tells the story of the Alao family with highly evocative descriptions and with an elegant plot. Baba Segi, the head of the household, is married to four wives, Iya Segi, Iya Tope, Iya Femi and Bolanle. As the story progresses, we …

My Dad's Will

Published by Osemhen

I found this while searching for my birth certificate. My Dad can be pretty wry at times, but this just cracked us up. He wrote this in university, way before he met my Mum. Her name’s not Marianne, by the way. Or Elizabeth! To my wife, Marianne, I leave her lover and knowledge that I wasn’t the fool she thought I was. To my son, I leave the pleasure of earning a living. For twenty-five years, he thought the pleasure was solely mine. He was mistaken. To my daughter, I leave N100,000. She will need it. The only piece of business her husband did was to marry her. To my chauffeur, I leave my cars. He almost ruined them… and I want him to have the satisfaction of finishing the job. …And upon the death of my wife, Marianne, the executors of my will should in no way bury her in her rightful place in the family vault next to me. I want to rest in peace. To one Elizabeth Parker, whom through juvenile fondness …

How To Blow Your Budget Without Even Trying…

Published by Osemhen

Every now and then, a twinge of conscience, an account in red or a well-meaning (or not!) adviser – friend, relative, busybody article, banker – will prompt you to do something meaningful about your budget, or rather, your inability to stick to a budget. Don’t do it! A budget is a dumb idea, it always makes you feel bad. And me? Me, I’m on your side! Blowing budgets is art; a form of self-expression… (and I am Picasso, TRUST ME!) You ready to take this leap of faith into previously unplumbed depths of poverty? Let’s do this! At the beginning of the year, in true I’m-serious-about-this fashion, make a resolution not to blow your budget. This is the easiest part, and made easier by the fact that the holiday season has depleted all monies and driven you seriously into debt. Plus, it’s the beginning of the year! Time for new beginnings and all. So by all means, go ahead and resolve to budget. It makes blowing it that much more bitter-sweet! Then, using one of …

The Question

Published by Osemhen

(I wrote this at the writing workshop I attended recently. It was inspired by the most intelligent company ever, their intellectual discourse *straight face* and a bus ride :D) They sickened you. You couldn’t explain your visceral recoil at the sight of the IBB posters; your mood soured, your emotions plummeted and you lost your train of thought to a brief desire to kill.  It didn’t help that the campaign posters were everywhere. The aftertaste lingered curiously. Why are you angry? – I don’t know. You were not particularly politics-inclined. You had not been old enough to appreciate the evil the Genius had perpetrated. You weren’t zealously patriotic; the country could bloody burn and you would fiddle! Why did you care so much you lost your peace? And why was the fact that it made you lose your peace so upsetting? The Question haunted you as you circled the city on a bus. It fixed itself in your mind as you ate the sugarcane you filched from a farm. It cooed as you conversed with …

My All Time Favourite Beauty Tips

Published by Osemhen

Drink lots and lots and lots of water. Water is, usually, free. And it does this whole detoxifying and rehydrating thing that just makes your skin glow from inside out, something all those $437 creams can’t. Black eyeliner and clear lip-gloss are so in! Don’t ask me how or why but I think they give you a timeless exotic-ness. So go easy on the rest of the makeup, keep it simple. Exfoliate your face once or twice a week. Any good scrub will do,  just make sure you read the label to confirm you don’t react to any of the ingredients (I react to alcohol, for instance). If you aren’t sure, why not go natural? Mix a little oatmeal (a tablespoon) with hot water to form a paste, add a dollop of honey, spread on your face and massage in for  about a minute. Voila! Clear skin. Lose the expensive facial washes. Mild soap works best for your face. I recommend baby soap, or Dove or Ose Dudu (black, native soap). Avoid using your body …