This is how to break up with the juvenile, codeine addict who fancies himself Goth because he paints his fingernails black and wears black eyeliner.
This is how to pretend to be miserable, because you’re supposed to be miserable after a break-up. This is how to blog about it.
This is how to live life; a series of Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday-Friday-Saturday-Sundays that never get old, never change. This is how to be a yuppie. This is how to dress like a yuppie, in chiffon blouses and pencil-skirts and kitty heels. This is how to spend like a yuppie; on expensive cab rides, handbags purchased from Dubai, ice cream at Coldstone and movies with friends. This is how to wrap your box braids in a bun. This is how to arch an eyebrow.
This is how to smile at a man you like; coy and charming. This is how to smile at a man you don’t like; looking him straight in the eye. This is how to smile at a woman so she feels flattered. This is how to smile at a woman so she feels small.
This is how to wear lipstick; first coat, blot, second coat. This is how to dance in heels. This is how to dance in a club so no one mistakes you for the whore that your Deeper Life stepmother swears you’re becoming. This is how to avoid your father’s calls.
This is how to tweet; sarcastic tweet, narcissistic tweet, LOL someone else’s, RT another’s, (deep) philosophical tweet, insult-the-government tweet, slightly risqué tweet, God tweet, rinse and repeat.
This is how to chase the lonely. This is how to enjoy a book and a coffee on a Saturday morning when the power is out, and there’s no fuel in your generator. This is how to sign up on Instagram.
This is how to block stalkers on Facebook. This is how to update your profile on LinkedIn. This is how to choose a laptop; comparing specs online, Googling the specs to be sure what they mean. This is how to avoid that creep from Finance. This is how to let your boss know you’re not interested, without losing your job.
This is how to brood.
This is how to act on a date with a man you like. This is how to act on a date with a man you don’t like. This is how to spend Friday night indoors watching re-runs of Friends. This is how to save up rent money, then swallow pride to ask your father to make up the balance. This is how to apologize for your rude words to your stepmother.
This is how to turn down an offer to be someone’s mistress and not be the whore your stepmother fears you are becoming. This is how to be genuinely happy that your best friend is getting married. This is how to turn a blind eye to her mother’s insistence in rubbing it in your face. This is how to pretend to like her husband-to-be even though you really think he’s a jerk.
This is how to act at a job interview; to use your best voice, to smile a lot, to impress them into thinking you’re smarter than you are. This is how to quit your old job when you get a new one; politely.
This is how to reply a DM from the funniest fellow you follow on Twitter. This is how to ask a man out on a date. This is how not to lose your nerve when he refuses at first. This is how to insist, and flatter him into saying Yes.
This is how to dress for a date, that is somehow a blind date. This is how to smile at a good-looking man. This is how to hold the smile when he doesn’t reply your Hello, when he writes instead on the notepad he holds, I can hear but I cannot speak, I’m sorry.
Hello.
Hello.
It’s great to meet you in person.
Same here. You look better than your avatar.
My avatar is Mr. Bean.
My point exactly.
This is how to have a great time with a man who does not speak. This is how to sleep with a smile on your face.
p.s. Please visit this page to Introduce Yourself 🙂
Comments
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Charles Williams
This is how to read a blog: like, comment and hope the favour is returned someday.
I liked and hoping the last scene didn’t happen. 🙂 -
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Saka Muyiwa
This is very…unique. It doesnt say how but still says a lot.
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CHIOMA
Bold, Miss Akhibi. Very bold and brash and experimental. You should do stuff like this more often.
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highlandblue
I didn’t even see the scene was with a blind man until I saw the comments. I wonder how many things I’ve failed to notice like this. I enjoyed this. Somehow written in second person but almost impossible to notice LOL
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Onyeka
This is how to write like a boss.
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Glory Enyinnaya
Osemhen, like fine wine, you get better with age. Trite, but true 🙂
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onajite
Sounds futuristic.really cool.btw I really need2know *how 2 avoid d creep from finance*.lol
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ebere
Osehmen gets better everyday. This is how to smile, and say “OMG this is beautiful”, and type a comment. Well done sis.
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taiwo
Osemeoluwa nice piece. I particularly like the part that says this is how to be genuinely happy wen ur best friend is getting married.
This is how u keep me up all nite reading ur post. -
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stella
this is how you know someone inspires you to be better….when you always go to read their blogs.
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Adun
Great post. Modern twist on Jamaica Kincaid’s Girl. Have you read it?
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Mitchell
I like this. I really like this. I smiled all through. That slightly guilty smile at the recognition of some of your own pretentions. And then the “awww” moment at the end. Sweet. I don’t know why I kept thinking you were writing about your life lol
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kovieparker
I knew I’d like it even before I read. I don’t know how,I just knew.