Look.
Look at her, the woman you married. Look at her dozing as she nurses your child, make-up still on her face, one shoe off. Look at her doing the last of the dishes in the evening, still in her work clothes.Ā Look at her as she patiently spoons rice into your toddler’s mouth, barely flinching as the child spills yet another cupful of water on the floor. Look at her.
Look at her “adulting”. Trying to adult. Trying to be her mother, and her aunts, and her grandmothers. Trying to do it all, like she’s seen them do it all. Wear lace, walk in heels, attend weddings, go to the market, manage the domestic staff, do the last load of laundry. Can you tell we’re actually just little girls playing dress-up in our mothers’ lives?
Look at her, smiling gamely as the baby places hands sticky with drool on her face. Look at her teaching your daughter to lace her shoes. Look at her, sighing with disgust at the fact that her jeans no longer fit.Ā Neither do her tee-shirts. Nor the sequined mini-dress you bought her two Valentines ago.
“I love my childĀ more than I love her. And she knows it. And she knows that I know that she knows it.”
Look at her loving you despite it all. Look at her, the girl you wooed with gifts and dates and text messages after dark. And you promised her forever when you gave her that ring. How was she to know it was forever of…this? Of dirty dishes, and dirty diapers. Of Saturday football matches and box braids. Of rice and stew dinners. Of rainy Mondays. Of sharing the same bar of Imperial Leather soap. Of Toyota Camrys with strange warning lights on their dashboards. Of kiddy toys that light up in the dark by themselves at the oddest times, playing cheerful trumpets. Of the flotsam, jetsam, detritus of everyday living when you’re a young, bourgeois couple in this cold, cold world. Where is the glamour?
The absence of sadness is not happiness. I thought you knew that already.
Love her again, maybe? Love her, this time not with kisses and gifts and date nights at fancy restaurants. Love her in the simple things. Time to read a book. To write. To catch up with her friends. Quiet conversations about deep things. Hold her hand. Pray with her. Pray for her. Hold the baby for an hour, two hours. Love her in the things she loves. Her job. How did her day go? Her extended family. Love her with your patience. When she snaps. When dinner is straight out of the Old Testament: Burnt Offerings and Bloody Sacrifices. Make her laugh again. Remember? Like you used to before you made her your wife.
Comments
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Oluwatoyin Lawani -Olunloyo
So beautiful because its true.
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kovieparker
“The absence of sadness is not happiness.” All the things that scare me about marriage and life-long commitments…
This is so beautifully written. Well done, mama!-
Osemhen
I think about happiness a lot and what it means. It’s so elusive, so hard to pin down.
There’s nothing to be afraid of. This is life. It has to be done. And like everything else, we can only make the best of what we have. Thanks for reading š
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Valerie
Girl! Love this.
Lol. I am really just a little girl, and I feel like everybody can tell. Even the strangers I met on the road who call me “Madam”, and “Aunty”.
“The absence of sadness is not happiness.” I feel like that has been the state of my life and affairs for a large chunk of this year.
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Osemhen
When do we stop being little girls? Do we ever? I’ll still be that girl inside, even when I’m 50. Maybe we should all just be a little less demanding? Just stop and think, “We’re still the kids we were.”
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Pearl
My goodness Osemhen! You’ve brought tears to my eyes. I am speechless, I can’t tell you how this is everything! Everything!
And I go back to work on Friday so it’s hitting hard!
*sigh* -
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No 7
Osemhen. Longrin has an eye for good people. Permit me to share this with the penthusiats. It’s so inspiring, so true.
The contrasts..the fact that we all want this (well most of us) yet we dread the realities
Many times I wonder where we find such strength.
You accosted one of my greatest fears..that of people changing.
I’ll always be a little girl, I’ll always feel like I’m role playing. I pray for the courage to stand..I’m truly tired of running.
Thank you Osemhen-
Osemhen
Go right ahead. Thank you for sharing. š
And you’re right; we never fully appreciate the doldrums we’re signing up for. And the joys? Do we ever fully appreciate them?
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Tee
“When she snaps. When dinner is straight out of the Old Testament: Burnt Offerings and Bloody Sacrifices.”
I laughed so hard here.
This, for me would be: write her those lines she called poems even though you claim you were not a poet! .
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Chinelo
Lovely, I like this, especially the Old Testament meal…..lol
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Isioma
“The absence of sadness is not happiness.”
I understand this, maybe a little more in recent times than I’d like to admit.
This made me smile, and think.
Thank you, Osemhen. -
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Debby
This is good, as usual. Meals straight out of the old testament are sometimes common place occurrence with me. You wrote beautifully.
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Jite
Lemme just save this everywhere I can…private mails et al…including my memory. Love it Ose…really!
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Onyinye
The absence of happiness is not sadness. . . Sometimes it’s pain, it’s hurt or anger. My dear, you penned down the words aptly. I love being that little girl. . . If only wishes were horses. Beautiful Piece.
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'ema
Osemski!!!! Luv you darl!!! Lovely piece! Deserves a pultizer!!!
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Oluwasegun
What a wonderful piece, Osemhen- what a wonderful piece!
Touching… Teaching… Mending…
You’ve said it all!
Thank you for this piece, Osemhen!!!
God bless you! -
folakemi
Aww, this is so on point. I have been married eleven years now, with a ten year old and a six year old…and underneath it all, I still feel like a little girl playing dress up. I used to wonder if I was alone in feeling that way. Now, I know am not, and this is very comforting.
I know my husband loves me deeply and he has learnt and is continuing to learn how to show me the love, but sometimes…I wish I was somebody’s little girl again.
Thanks for this. -
Zainab Sule
Babe.
I’ve always been a fan. No 7 was right, Longrin did us all a huge favor by making us know you.
This is beautiful. More love.
Zainab Sule
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Akor
So beautifully put
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Juliet
Hi Osemhen,
This is a great piece, aptly describes the much fantasised, transition through “girlhood” to womanhood and back again – when the little ones are all grown up! I steal a moment to skip, jump, have a good laugh and most especially “breathe”. . .and then I feel like a girl again! Thanks for sharing.
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Dami
This! I have to share. I basically look towards marriage with both longing and fear. We need our men to read this!
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femaleigboarchitect
Osemhen, this is awesome. The warning lights in the camry and the rainy mondays? Just awesome.
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Yawa Kwasu
Osemhen…I must say this is a very strong wake up call for me…I am dead guilty of most of the things you captured here. I will change my ways and do an about face to ‘circa’ when I was still dating my wife…Thanks for waking me up!
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KacheeTee
I was probably the first to read this, and just had to come back to leave a comment. I LOVED it. So very very well said.
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Lore
Wow!!!
I have not been on this blog in years!!!
A lot has happened since then.
Congratulations Osemhen! On the wedding, on the pregnancy and on the safe arrival of the baby. You have grown so much.
I always loved your style of writing and this piece is just beautiful.
I will be coming back a lot more these days.
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Austine
Everything i need to say about this is summed up in two words.
“THANK YOU”
Lol @ straight out of the old testanment…
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Jerry
Beautiful. Just beautiful. Just Just beautiful. It helps that I’m reading this as I’m about to take the plunge. Now I’m committed to making it work not just before, but after the I dos.
Thanks Osemhen! -
Zee
I was going to not comment because it takes my time; then I thought my time away from the kids. No. I will comment, because you took the time to inspire – to speak the truth. And that you read these comments. I loved it. I will read it again. Thank you. From Saudi Arabia.
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Anita Igberaese
This was beautiful…
Thank you, Osemhen -
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Bibo
Aww Osemhen,.
Lovely, beautiful, true..very true.
So here’s a toast to all the Old testament style meals..burnt offerings and all, to rice and stew dinners, to discovering ourselves, to loving and being loved.Thank you
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Oluchy Chisom
Usually when I think about marriage, I have mixed emotions…… Fear and longing.
Thank you for this very wonderful piece.It really speaks to the soul. -
Oluchy Chisom
Thank you for this wonderful post.
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Precious
Wow. Just, wow.
This piece is dope!
I’m a writer too…and yeah, Real recognize Real.
Fire down. -
Maryam S
This is a mind-blowing piece…… Indeed absence of sadness isn’t happiness.. Kudos!
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Damiloves
This is beautiful, a very well observed view of marriage from a womanās perspective. āPray for herā, I think many men pray about their wives as opposed to for them, and that makes a huge difference…
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Frankie
Where do I comment? Ok I seen it.
This is a very beautiful touching piece. It ended rather quickly but I loved it. Something to print and read often.
Nice!
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Mitchell
Osemhen!! Lol my fault not yours. I’ve been offline for a while. This piece is beautiful. I too still feel like a little girl inside though I’m single. Little kids and teenagers on the road call me “aunty” and I’m like, really? Am I that old? I certainly don’t feel it. The title doesn’t sit well. And marriage. Sigh. The commenters have captured it perfectly. Fear and longing. But then. to borrow the words of Betty Irabor, “do it afraid”. Deep sigh. “Make her laugh… ” Lol you certainly made me laugh
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Mitchell
Lol. I meant to say “long time.
My fault not yours”
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Jane
Beautiful piece, Ose. I still feel like a little girl many times. I jump about by myself and make myself laugh. My cousin thinks I didn’t play enough when I was little. Well, I never want to stop playing!
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Nmadiuto Uche
I love everything about this piece. The reality, the narrative, and the humor. Bookmarked it in my memory.
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Ochuko Ikogho
Osemhen, this is a whole new level of perfection. Illogical perfection.
Don’t get me started on the message. I hardly comment, but I just had to this time. Whoa.
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Onyi
I would always be that little girl. I guffawed at that remark “When dinner is straight out of the Old Testament”.
Lovely piece Osemhen. -
Nedoux
Heartwarming piece, Osemhen. I read and I smiled a lot. š
@ “Love her in the simple things” Ah, a soothing balm…
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Dhikraa
very nice Ose. Even if i am not married, talkless of being a mother, i feel your pain dear. Whenever I see my sis, drop her kid off in sch so early in the morning, pick him up after working hours, hurry off to make dinner while trying to help him with the assignment. I just pause and ask Can I ever do this?
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Zara
Thanks Osemhen. Beautiful write up. This touched me… although I’m yet to be a mum, but I have 3 younger siblings of 11, 7 and 4. Watching my mum take care of them makes me wonder if I’d ever be able to fit into that role when I finally get married.
Ohhh and the part where u said the absence of sadness is not happiness… I liked that too.
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Ada-uju
nice piece dearie….
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Funto
Lol, Oshemen.
Of rice and stew dinners!!!
That got me…
Lovely piece
Please tell them oh, the men in our lives! -
Ibrahim
Beautiful piece, I’ll like to read some more but hey! Hope you’re not trying to say all men do is watch our beautiful wives do all the chores… We can be useful too ya know š
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Hamira Tamiko El-Z
I love this!!!!’Look at her and Love her’.